The Ultimate Flame
by CoriWhoWritesStuff
Summary: Snape and Black engage in a little note-passing in class. Rated for language. Slash only mentioned briefly.


**Notes:** This was written thanks to the motivation of a friend, and in dedication to the flame left on one of my stories right here on this website! Whoever you are, if you're reading this, this is for you!

The italicized "notes" are abridged from the actual "Ultimate Flame" which circulates around the internet. So I don't claim credit for them, because I don't even know who wrote them! But someone was uncreative enough to leave it in a "review" of one of my stories, so how could I resist?

Enjoy!

* * *

**The Ultimate Flame**

It started because he was bored.

Sirius Black and boredom just didn't mix well.

Sitting in History of Magic, listening to a ghost drone on and on about Goblin rebellions... who _wouldn't _be bored? Not to mention that today the Gryffindors were being _forced _to take the class with several Slytherins who had been the unfortunate recipients of the gift of at least a dozen dungbombs the other day, thus missing class with their own House. Which Black knew nothing about, of course.

Blah blah blah. Didn't that old goat _ever _shut up?

Black shifted restlessly in his seat as he looked about for something to _do_. Remus was taking notes like a good boy, James and Peter weren't sitting near enough to be of much use... He was wondering what would happen if he just stood up and chucked his book right through Binns' forehead, when his eyes lit on Snape.

Next row over, two seats up. Head practically touching the desk, shoulders hunched, frantically scribbling notes. Snivellus, the perfect target.

After a moment's thought, Black tore off a bit of parchment from the roll in front of him and began to write. Upon finishing, he crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it expertly at Snape's head.

* * *

Snape jumped slightly when an object hit the side of his head, then stared down at the balled-up bit of parchment that had landed in front of him. Cautiously he unfolded it and began to read.

_Your mother is a whore and the daughter of a whore. Your father was likely her brother, but could have been any of her cousins. You haven't got a clue. You couldn't get a clue if you smeared yourself with clue musk and danced the clue mating dance in a field full of horny clues in clue mating season. Your eyebrows meet in the middle, your forehead slopes, your pet rat wants you dead. Your mother would dress you funny if she could afford clothes. Your webbed feet go well with the pointy forehead. Your manners are hideous, your brain minute, and your body odor could fell an ogre._

_Sincerely,_

_Sirius Black_

He angrily crushed the paper in his fist, looking over his shoulder at Black, who had the audacity to smirk at him.

Well. Two could play at that game.

Ripping off a bit of his own parchment, he scrawled off a reply, and with a few soft words and a wave of his wand, sent it flying at Black. Snape was satisfied to note that it hit the obnoxious bastard square between the eyes.

* * *

_You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a Hippogriff than be seen with you._

_Best Regards,_

_Severus Snape_

Black's eyes narrowed. That little git was asking for it, alright. He hadn't really expected a reply, but now that he'd got one...

His next note actually bounced off the head of the person in front of Snape, but as that person was sleeping, Snape was able to catch it with no trouble.

* * *

_You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon._

_Yours Truly,_

_Sirius Black_

Snape's teeth ground almost audibly as he jotted off another note.

* * *

_You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done._

_I Hope You Die Soon,_

_Severus Snape_

Black felt his face heat with anger before he was able to scribble down something else.

* * *

_I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?_

_I Will If You Don't Bathe Soon,_

_Sirius Black

* * *

_

_You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot._

_Go Drown Yourself in the Lake,_

_Severus Snape

* * *

_

_On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of a stone wall. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go._

_I'll Take You With Me, You Can Clean Up For Once,_

_Sirius Black

* * *

_

_You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill._

_Piss Off,_

_Severus Snape_

Black wouldn't have been surprised if steam was coming out of his ears, as his face felt like it must be on fire. He had known the prick was fluent with insults, but _this_...

Half the class was staring at them by that time. The awake half. Professor Binns was still droning. Black hastily wrote out another note, shorter than he would have liked, but he was too angry at the moment to think much.

* * *

_You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away._

_Piss Off Yourself,_

_Sirius Black

* * *

_

_Is that the best you can do? I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. So stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel._

_You'd Like That, Wouldn't You,_

_Severus Snape

* * *

_

_The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Your attempt at creativity was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your notes. It just wouldn't have been "right". I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you._

_No, Because the Thought of Your No-Doubt Hideously Deformed Prick Disgusts Me,_

_Sirius Black

* * *

_

_You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, cowardly, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic_

Part-way through the note, Black simply launched himself at Snape, unable to wait any longer. By the time things settled, they both had black eyes and an assortment of other bruises, as well as dentention that night writing lines in the classroom. Amazing that Binns noticed, and could even remember what a detention was, really.

* * *

"Well if you hadn't _attacked _me--"

"How could I stand for what you called me?"

"You started it!"

Both boys glared at each other from across the hall as they waited for Binns to arrive so they could begin their detention. "I'll tell you one thing, _Snivellus_," Black began, taking a threatening step closer to Snape, "I--"

"You two." The sound of a female voice caused them both to start and look around to see Lily Evans and Remus heading in their direction. Remus smiled as though he was faintly amused, while Lily just smirked. "Why don't you fuck each other and get it over with?" she continued, obviously pleased by the horrified looks that came over their faces.

"No way!" they both exclaimed at once. Then, after glaring at each other for a few seconds:

"I'd sooner fuck a potted plant."

"I'd rather fornicate with an inkwell."

"Oh, fine. Suit yourselves. But I still say it would take care of a lot of unresolved tension between the two of you..." Lily trailed off as she began walking on by. Remus smiled apologetically as he followed.

"She's in some weird mood today, don't mind her. Good luck with your detention," he said, looking between the two of them for a moment before he turned away.

"Yeah right," Black muttered, slouching against the wall. Then he noticed Snape _staring _after Remus. "Hey. Keep your filthy eyes to yourself, would you?"

"What, I can't look at your precious Lupin?"

"Damn right you can't. Prick."

"And what if your precious Lupin has been looking at _me_? Clod."

"I don't think so, you've never been anywhere near him. Bastard."

"So I guess last night in the broom closet never happened? I think I should know, because I was there. And he's not half bad. _Arsehole_."

"You sick _freak_!"

It wouldn't be entirely necessary to mention that another fist fight erupted. Or that they ended up with a week's worth of detention instead.

The moral of this story being, of course, that you should sleep with your enemies so that these sorts of things don't happen.

Or maybe it's just to be careful where you leave your flames.


End file.
